Innocent Bystander

Free at last, oh, thank lord, free at last!

On today's show: Making a festive napkin ring from that annoying ankle bracelet.

In the news...

"Martha Stewart Reminisces About Time Behind Bars..." read the headlines.

Gosh, it seems like it was only yesterday...oh, wait. It was.

She's already gone...

Looks like they sprung Martha early. Instead of Sunday, March 6, she left the prison last night. ("Friday? Sunday? It's all the weekend to us! Sure, Martha...split early. No problemo!") Those bastards! How do they expect a full-fledged media circus when they sneak around on us like this? The very idea. It's an outrage! I intend to call my congressman, if I could figure out who the hell he or she is. Instead, I may call my stockbroker. Hey...it worked for Martha!

Martha headed for home and house arrest, with a lovely monitoring bracelet to be fastened around Ms. Stewart's now-shapely, thin and tapered ankle. The bracelet is said to be a tasteful affair, with a simple jewel-encrusted top piece, and a comfortable expandable collar, in case of water retention. Ms. Stewart will be allowed to leave the house for up to 48 hours a week to "work" on her new version of The Apprentice for NBC and to restart her Martha Stewart Living show, which will be retitled Martha Stewart: The Bitch Is Back.

Martha-bashing? Not me...

A couple of you have written (nicely, too) to ask me what's up with my Martha Stewart stuff. Let me just tell you, I have NOTHING against Martha. I'm not out making doilies out of stray cat-hair, but otherwise I think she's just peachy. What I have a problem with is the media covering her story. You can bet your bottom dollar that Sunday will be Martha-Day all over this country on every news outlet everywhere. All-Martha, All-The-Time, at least on March 6. And the very establishment that hung her out to dry for insider trading will celebrate her return like never before. It will be the proverbial media circus, and of course every clown in it will insist it IS INDEED A CIRCUS, but they're not part of it. Oh, no. Not them.

We live in a society that looks at driven, agressive businessmen as successful, savvy, even brilliant, but looks at driven, agressive businesswomen as bitches. Martha went down because she was a woman, albeit a very high-profile and successful woman, who has had some problems with her media persona. The media took utter glee in chronicling her downfall. Now they'll trumpet her redemption. The media has a short memory, and no self-awareness, other than to deny their own culpability in such matters. Oh, no. Not us.

Me? I'm glad she'll be out on Sunday. She can get on with her life, we can get on with ours and look forward to her version of The Apprentice. At least maybe NBC will be egalitarian in their treatment of her (but probably NOT NBC News).

So, I'm not bashing Martha. Just the media coverage of her.

Oh, no. Not me.

If we put a file in a cake, would she criticize our baking skills?...

She wouldn't forget you if you were in the big house...

Let's pause to remember...

Don't forget about Martha...

We proudly offer a new public service here at Innocent Bystander. From now until her release from prison on Sunday, March 6, we will count down the days until Martha Stewart finishes her "time-out" and once again joins us common folk. Don't worry, this will NOT be an every day occurance. But we will provide periodic updates to keep you abreast of the Martha "Countdown to Freedom" Watch™. We don't want you to miss a thing. Because you can be assured that if (God forbid) North Korea nukes some other country on March 6th, every news show in the country will lead with Martha bustin' out...