It has been way too long since we've checked in with our friend and mentor, Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff. As you may or may not know, we rely on the Professor to sometimes stop by and help us better understand this wide, wonderful world we live in. Today, in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday, we've invited him to speak on the history of this warm, friendly, family event. Professor?
Oh, so it's you again. What do you want now?
We'd like you to tell us about Thanksgiving, please?
Thanksgiving PLEAS? You mean I have to beg for turkey? The idea. Turkey used to beg for me. Well, at least Constantinople did. That reminds me...whatever happened to Constantinople?
Um...it became Istanbul.
Oh, so it changed its name. How dare it! This is an outrage. Call my attorney! Call my mother! Call my wife! Oh, and if you call my wife, ask her how's tricks.
Yes, our dog, Tricks. And if you come over to visit, watch where you step. There are tricks everywhere. Now then, baboon, where were we?
Ah, yes! Thanksgiving! That festive time of year when we kill the fattened turkey, sit down and chew the fat with friends and family. I HATE Thanksgiving.
First off, you've never seen my family eat. It's a free-for-all at that table. My Uncle Julius, may he never rest in peace, lost not only an arm while diving for turkey, but a cufflink, a pinky ring, and two tickets to see Minnie the Moocher in the comic opera "Oh Solo Meow," which was the precursor to Cats. And if you ever saw that show, you'd start pre-cursing the minute it was mentioned.
Secondly, there's the Pilgrims. Let's examine the Pilgrims for a moment. Okay, we're done. The important thing to remember about the Pilgrims is that they had buckles EVERYWHERE. On their shoes, on their belts, on their hats...no wonder they were repressed. With all those buckles no one ever took off their clothes.
And thirdly, it's the moving bill. I mean, think of it. To bring all those Pilgrims over from merry old England on the Mayflower must have cost a pretty penny. I'm sure the minute that big yellow and green ship pulled up to the Pilgrim family front door, and that rash of burly movers climbed out...well, have you ever seen a rash of burly movers? Let's just say those uniforms really chafe. It's NOT pretty, nosiree Bob.
Your name is Bob, isn't it?
Then why am I talking to you? Go away. Save me some turkey.
And a piece of pumpkin pie.
Make that two pieces of pumpkin pie. You may go now. And don't forget the whipped cream.