Periodically in 2008, we will be calling on our friend and mentor, Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff, to comment on the Presidential election. Today he discusses the Iowa Caucus, the first major barometer of the Presidential climate of the country.
So, Professor Wagstaff: The iowa Caucus...bona fide barometer or just plain slow-news-day media hype?
Don't bother me. I'm busy thinking of how many dirty puns I can make with the word "Caucus."
Now, Professor, we hope you'll keep this clean...after all we do cater to a family audience...
Oh, you do, do you? And what kind of spread do you put out with this alleged catering? Do you have smores? See, that's what's wrong with the world today. Everybody wants smore.
Professor, please. Iowa?
I should please Iowa? I should say not. I spent a week in Iowa one night. Believe me, I spent many a night trying to please Iowa, one farmer's daughter at a time.
Oh, I think I see a disturbing trend developing here. Maybe we should just talk about the individual candidates...
What do you mean "we?" I'll do the talking around here. Go ahead, hit me.
Um...okay...Hillary Clinton?
You'd hit me with Hillary Clinton? You cad. You cur. Which reminds me, have you ever had Cad-curry eggs? The Easter Bunny brings them to me every year.
I...
I'm only 3 and a half years old!
Can we talk about the candidates, please, sir?
The candidates? Of course! Don't let me stop you! Fire when ready, Gridley! Or is that fire when gridley, Ready? I always get those two mixed up. Now go right ahead. The quicker you start talking, the faster I get out of here. Well, go on, what's stopping you? Cat got your tongue? Or is that tongue got your cat? Hey, I bet you're going to lecture me about family catering again, aren't you? Where shall we begin?
The Democrats? Hillary Clinton?
I think it's a safe to say Hillary Clinton will not have the same problems her husband had in office.
Really?
Yes. That woman will never get a blowjob in the Oval Office. Or anywhere else in the building for that matter.
Oh, jeez...
Is he running, too? I'm sure he'll get the evangelical vote.
Barack Obama?
Gesundheit!
No, I mean the candidate...
I think you have a nasty cold there. You should get that looked at. In fact, you should get it looked at right now. Go on. Get out of here.
Let's move on to the Republicans...
You're forgetting Dennis Kucinich...
Oh, you like Dennis Kucinich?
No, I like Dennis Kucinich's wife. Now there's a woman I could get behind. In fact, I could get behind her so much, I'd be in front of her. She has my vote.
She's not running.
Well, she'll take off once she meets me.
Can we move onto Mike Huckabee?
He was my favorite Mark Twain character...
No, not Huckleberry, Huckabee!
Does he come in blueberry? Huckleberries give me gas...
No...the candidate. HUCKABEE!
You're getting awful excited about this Huckabee hound.
Sigh...how about Fred Thompson?
I like Fred Thompson's wife! Now there's a woman I could get behind...
Okay, stop. I think we're done.
No, we're not done. Not until the fat lady votes. Look, you want to know all about the Iowa Caucus, right?
Yes.
It's simple. Every four years, people realize Iowa still exists. So all the candidates go there and pretend they care. Just to have some small, insular group of people tell them one of them on each side is number one in their hearts and minds. But truth be told, the Iowa Caucus matters about as much as my Minnie the Moocher record collection. And Minnie could at least sing.
So, you're saying...
A lot can happen in 11 months. Once when I was on the road I left my wife at home and came back and she had a baby. How that happened, I'll never know. I was just looking for a womb with a view. It's one of the great mysteries of life. And so is politics. I think I said it best when I sang...
"If you think this country's bad off now, just wait 'til I get through with it!"
Ladies and gentlemen, I rest my case. In fact, I rested my case right over there and now it's gone. What's become of my briefcase, you baboon? I had all my briefs in that case. Both pairs. In fact, I'm feeling a little flimsy down there, right now...
Thank you, Professor!