Facebook, the ubiquitous online friends site, recently introduced some new features, chief among them some added categories for friends. Now you can mark a Facebook friend as a "close friend" or an "acquaintance," and better control how their info appears on your page.
But really, Facebook, why stop with just those two? It's like skipping from a small to a large with no interim step. I have acquaintances, friends, and close friends, and usually ne'er the twain shall meet. Why not add a few more categories, thus making us anal-retentive organizers much more satisfied?
Let's start with the "medium" step of adding a just Friends category, people who are something more than just an acquaintance, but not the person you're going to tell all about the horrible and demoralizing date you had last Monday night. And while you're there, let's add the following:
People I've Never Met in Person, But Who Friended Me on Facebook. C'mon, we all have them. They're friends of friends who you added because it seemed like a good idea at the time, until they ask you for Comic-Con tickets two days before the show.
People I'm Friends With Only Because I Work With Them and It's Politically Expedient. You've done this. You know you have.
People Who Are Friends With Me Because They Think It's Politically Expedient. When this category grossly outnumbers the above category, it's time to come up with a new Facebook Friends strategy.
People I Used to Date and I'm Spying On So I Can Curse Their Newfound Happiness with Someone Else Who Is Obviously Inferior* to Me in Every Way. *That asterisk really means "superior." This category is only for masochists. Join the club.
Musicians, Stars, Authors, and Media Types Who Have No Real Presence on Facebook Unless A Lowly Assistant is Manning the Keyboard for Them, But It Looks Cool When They Appear in My Friends List in the Sidebar. I heart Avril Lavigne, but why doesn't JLo return my messages?
People Who Knew Me in High School But Never Spoke to Me Back Then. NOW you decide you want to be friends?
People Who I Just Couldn't Say No To, But Will Someday Just Go in and Quitely Eliminate. And derive great satisfaction from doing so.
Who Are You Again? Seriously. Why did I friend you or accept your friend request?
Friends With Benefits. This has nothing to do with Anthem/Blue Cross or ObamaCare.
Facebook, if you can add these categories to please the completist in me, I will heart you forever and never unfriend you.
Hilarious dude. Mark Zuckerburg will probably be calling you anytime to talk your ideas over.
Posted by: Tony Kim | September 21, 2011 at 10:44 PM