The government will retire the color-coded threat level index tomorrow, the sole accomplishment of former Pennsylvania governor Tom Ridge's moment of federal fame as the head of Homeland Security in the wake of 9-11. That list color-ranked terror alerts in a kind of rainbow type effect, thus pleasing gay people all over the world. We here at Innocent Bystander, after years of expensive research, have come up with our own chart, utilizing the five Marx Brothers.
Groucho: Threat is imminent, devastating, and well worth it.
Harpo: Threat is warm, fuzzy, charming, and somewhat oft-kilter, especially to cute blondes.
Chico: Threat is hard to understand at times, but plays a mean one-handed piano.
Zeppo: Threat is meaningless.
Gummo: What threat?
In the event Homeland Security does utilize this official Innocent Bystander/Marx Bros. chart, you can protect yourself at all times by donning Groucho-like glasses with nose and mustache, available at fine novelty stores worldwide. In the event of a real terror alert, what the hell are you doing reading this site?
Gary -- This is classic, and its now my wallpaper !!
I would love to have this as a poster; I would frame it and proudly display it.
You rock !!
Posted by: Shell | January 26, 2011 at 08:27 PM