Like everyone else in this great land of ours--and quite possibly the world--I am always looking for the next big thing. You know...the one thing that makes you rich and famous. Like a pet rock. Or Rubik's Cube. Or the guy in Wisconsin who painted one black and white dairy cow and got it on 30 bajillion products. Stuff like that.
I've had many great ideas in my lifetime, none of which have come to fruition. My two latest disappointments still bewilder me, and at times--I do confess--make me cry. Here they are, but please don't steal them...
With Hollywood's passion for turning aging, rotting TV shows into big budget movies, what could be more of a sure thing than combining TWO of them into one great flick? We take the kids from Saved By the Bell and the kids from The Facts of Life, and merge them into one surefire hit: Saved By the Facts of Life! What could be better than Natalie (Mindy Cohn) married to Screech (Dustin Diamond)? Or Blair (Lisa Whelchel) and Jesse (Elizabeth Berkley) as aging strippers in Vegas? Kelli (Tiffani Thiesen) and Tootie (Kim Fields) living as a married couple in San Francisco? This would be the sitcom film to crush all sitcom films! It's funny, it's touching, it's dark, it's daring! Alas, Hollywood closed and locked their doors when I came knocking with this one.
Videogames are the cash cow of entertainment these days and a winning game concept could bring millions--if not BILLIONS--to the creator and publishing company. So what could be more natural than this game, exclusively for the Wii: Wee Wii! Yes, your little onscreen avatars pee into increasingly more difficult places to rack up points and progress to the next level, floating along on their urine output and aiming accuracy! Perhaps it was how I placed the Wii controller in the demo I produced: You literally have to hold it straight out at crotch level and rotate around while moving the controller up and down to hit your targets. Still, once I threw in the "write your name in the snow" module, I thought they'd buy it. "Too unrealistic for women," they said. "You're ignoring half the audience." I offered that maybe some women would enjoy the option of peeing standing up, but my somewhat soggy logic rained down on deaf ears.
Oh, well...back to the drawing board.
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