Oh, dear reader, this is the most exciting piece of news since I began blogging in 2004!
After an intensive vetting process that left only a few candidates left standing, I have been notified by President Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel, that I have been chosen to be the new head of ailing insurance mega-giant AIG!
Let me tell you how this happened: President Obama and his staff were looking for someone with a specific set of attributes. Due to previous problems with appointees for various positions, in and out of the government, their "shopping list" included:
1. A person without children and house, so as to insure no illegal domestic help ever being employed by the candidate.
2. Small or negligible income, to guarantee lack of problems with the IRS.
3. No previous experience in government or running a major corporation, to avoid any possible bribes, payoffs, or sweetheart deals.
4. Little or no knowledge of anything remotely financial.
5. Willingness to live in New York City in a tiny apartment the size of a large footlocker.
6. Last name containing a reasonable ration of vowels to adjectives (as opposed to, say, Blagojevich).
While I can point to detail #4 above as something the present head of AIG had in common with the current search criteria, I can boast his obvious lack of knowledge demonstrated while on the job pales in comparison to mine. In short, I am the best possible candidate to run AIG, because I know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about managing money, and I'm damn proud of it.
So my friends, please mark down this momentous occasion on your calendar. From now on, this day--APRIL 1--shall be known as the day Gary hit the big time, taking the reins of the most troubled financial institution in the world. And I hope you can all say I was no FOOL--but crazy like a fox--to accept this job offer.
Take the bonus money and ditch the position at the end of the day.
Posted by: Jim Kingman | April 01, 2009 at 10:17 AM