Innocent Bystander

Gatorade: I'm suing you...

Dear Gatorade,

As most of my friends will attest--and a-testify, if need be--I sign most of my correspondence--letters and email--with a simple "G." I have done this for many years, so many, it's almost impossible to remember when it all began. It has, quite frankly, become a bit of a trademark of mine, something my friends recognize and look forward to seeing on all my missives. One friend has even taken to calling me "G-spot," in recognition of that trademark. (Sadly, that friend is a man, but the point is not lost on you, I'm sure...it's a recognized part of my character.)

Now I finally see what these pompous, overdone commercials are promoting, the black and white ones with the sports legends and such, the slow pan across familiar--albeit older--faces, ending--until recently--with just a "G." Now it's revealed it's for Gatorade, your drink, your company, which has now had the colossal balls to call itself just plain "G."

These commercials have to be directed by Spike Lee...no one else would have the overinflated ego to pull off something so outrageously full of itself. But that's not my point. My point is you have violated my own personal trademark, my signature, and I, sirs and mesdames, am shocked--SHOCKED, I tell you--that you would have the temerity, gumption, and wherewithal to make such a bold and naked assault on my own personal property.

You will be hearing--forthwith and with alacrity--from my personal attorney, J. Cheever Loophole, of the firm Hungadunga, Hundgadunga, Hungadunga, and McCormick.

I would appreciate a CASH settlement, once contacted, not that swill you produce with my trademark initial on it.

Sincerely
-G.

Friday Foto #67

Santa Monica, CA.

To see more of my photos, Friday or otherwise, click here!

The Last Enemy (2008)

The Last Enemy is a BBC mini-series which aired on PBS stations in the U.S. last fall, as part of their new "Masterpiece Contemporary" series. It's a science fiction-tinged story about the UK in the near future and an ID initiative called T.I.A (Total Information Awareness). This new form of tracking people ties into Great Britain's current penchant for surveillance, which presently includes over 5 million CCTV (closed circuit TV) cameras, which amounts to about one camera per 12 people. Not so science-fictiony now, eh?

The 5-part mini-series stars Benedict Cumberbatch and Max Beesley as the Ezard brothers, Stephen and Michael. As the series begins, Michael is killed in Afghanistan, where he worked as a doctor in a refugee camp. Stephen, a brilliant mathemetician, returns form China to London for his brother's funeral and falls madly in love with the sister-in-law he never knew existed, Dr. Yasim Anwar (Anamaria Marinca). Stephen's return to London is closely monitored by the government, which enlists his aid in helping to convince the public that their new heavy-duty identification database--licensed to a company OUTSIDE the government--is a good idea. Stephen accepts an offer to refund his research in China for the next 3 years in exchange for his candid explanation and endorsement of the T.I.A program.

And then it all falls apart.

Lurking around in all of this is David Russell, an ex-British Intelligence officer, who may or may not have lost a daughter linked to the refugee camp Michael Ezard worked in. Russell is played by Robert Carlyle, and sometimes his Scottish accent is so inpenetrable, I was tempted to turn on the subtitles. The whole series gets bolloxed up (to badly use a Brit phrase) between science and medicine, with people in the refugee camp dying from a bad batch of vaccine, which may or may not be intentional.

The bottom line on The Last Enemy--now out on DVD and part of my Netflix viewings in the past 2 weeks--is it's a 5-hour mini-series that's about an hour too long. It goes off the rails in episode 4 when Stephen's ID is cancelled, showing just how torturous an ordeal that can be in the UK, at least in this near future tale. Stephen's trials and tribulations trying to hock a clock and get money for blood seem like filler. If the story was tighter and better-told, it would have been more enjoyable, but here's the other rub: This is a cautionary tale and in the end, this dystopian tale of the near future and the rigors and wrongs of a nation under constant surveillance defeats its own preachy premise. It ends on such a down note, my response was, "I spent 5 hours on this?" While it's well-acted and shot, in the end The Last Enemy is really it's own worst enemy.

One stray thought: Robert Carlyle, with his accent reined in a bit, would make a perfect new version of The Equalizer, if someone wanted to give up the ghost on the movie version that seems to never be coming out. Carlyle is a wormy little guy, and cleaned up and put in a suit like Edward Woodward, he'd be the perfect against-type casting for a revival of the TV series, set once again in New York City. Hell, I'll even give you the first episode's plot: A group of ripped-off investors pay The Equalizer to dump Bernie Madoff off the balcony of his kajillion-dollar penthouse. How's that for torn-from-the-headlines justice?

On comics: The Complete Chester Gould Dick Tracy, Volume Six...

The latest volume of IDW's continuing series of comic strip reprints offiically known as The Complete Chester Gould Dick Tracy, Volume Six, is the one where it all changes. As contributing editor Max Allan Collins says in his introduction, one of the stories in this volume, "represents an explosion of imagination, surrealism, expressionism, and sadism—in short, everything for which Chester Gould is justly famous."

It's the beginning of the Golden Age of Dick Tracy, the age of weird villains and violent action, coincidentally starting as the U.S. was on the cusp of entering World War II. How else could Gould compete with the headlines?

That story Collins is referring to involves Jerome Trohs and Mama, and you'd have a hard time finding a more unlikely pair of criminals outside of the funny pages. Trohs is a midget attorney (Trohs is SHORT spelled backwards, a penchant of Gould in this time period) and Mama would more correctly be named "Big Mama;" she's a woman-mountain of a female. The two are more sadistic and violent than any other Gould villains up to this point, and when Mama gets mad, watch out, and that includes her horrific treatment of the little person she allegedly loves.

This is also the time period when Gould's art style--or that of him and his assistants--solidified into a graphic, bold look. Nothing seems wasted in these strips, not an unnecessary word, not a wrong pen  line. While there is, admittedly, some weaker Gould stuff in this volume, including the rather lame marriage of Tess Trueheart to Edward Nuremoh (that's HOME RUN spelled backwards, folks...aren't you tired of this trick already?), and a strange story about Junior Tracy unwittingly getting involved with a band of bike thieves (!), it's still compulsively readable. And I'll tell you one thing: there's a number of things that would get this almost 70-year run of stories banned outright from today's papers, including the sight of Junior's battered and near-dead body laying bent-legged in the street, and this little innocent caption from 70 years ago, when the world was--indeed--a different place:

"Waiting until the officer was gone, the stranger pulled up to the curb and invited Junior into the car..."

Oh, CHESTER!

Finally, this is also the volume where the format of the series changes, the last book in the familiar Peanuts-like size and design. Next time, with volume 7, Eisner Award winner Dean Mullaney takes over the editorship and the book grows to Terry and the Pirates/Little Orphan Annie size, with more strips per volume and--hopefully--a better look and feel. Don't get me wrong, the current format is great, and the strip reproduction is--for the most part--superb. But those tiny Sunday strips bug your eyes after a while, and that's something that will be corrected. And best of all, it's the best time for Tracy fans. Coming up: The Mole. Pruneface. The Brow. Vitamin Flintheart, and the one and only Flattop.

Until, at least, Flattop Jr. comes along...

Day 7, Hour 10: 5:00–6:00pm...

Last night's episode of 24 had one of the most powerful emotional moments in the series' history: The hospital confrontation between FBI agent Renee Walker and Jack Bauer. In the chase to apprehend Colonel Dubaku, Marika is killed when the SUV they're in crashes. Agent Walker made a promise to Marika's sister that she'd make sure nothing happened to her. Burdened by the realization of how they used Marika to get to Dubaku (she thought he was someone else, a fake identity, and was in love with him), Walker confronts Jack, asking him to feel something, anything, besides his insistence that they did the right thing and saved thousands of innocent lives. It was a moving moment, and proved--in a good way--that when it comes to Annie Werschling, the actress playing Agent Walker, you can take the girl out of the soap opera, but you can't take the soap opera out of the girl.

So the secret list of who's corrupt in President Taylor's administration is out, released from a memory card hidden under Dubaku's skin ("Cut him open!" insisted Jack...truth be told, we yelled it right before he did, here in the comfort of our own little home). And as one chapter ends, Tony Almeida shows up with more bad news: a new imminent terrorist strike, this one regarding the dictator at the heart of the matter, General Juma. The target is unknown, but the previews--in typical overzealous TV promo fashion--revealed it for next week: the White House.

It takes a pretty big set of producer balls to attack the White House in this day and age of terrorist threats, especially with a new administration barely over a month old in real life. Next week's episode is a special two-hour one, from 8:00–10:00pm.

Minor note to the producers: Draping a number of big banners over the Fox backlot street scene proclaiming "Washington DC Festival" does not make any of us believe for a second you're in Washington DC. While there's been some very effective scenes obviously shot there this season--including last night's talk between Tony and Jack by the reflecting pool, facing the Washington Monument--that one scene of obvious backlot took me totally out of the story, and reminded me of Laverne and Shirley. And not in a good way.

And much as I hate to say it: I still don't trust Tony.

LIVE OSCAR® BLOGGING: The day after...

It's the day after the 81st annual Academy Awards, and America--and the world--has settled back into its boring routine. Mumbai exploded--in a good way this time--with celebrations for Slumdog Millionaire, Entertainment Weekly online has moved back to discussing the really important things (like American Idol) and the stock market dipped to an historic low, evidently because a movie about foreign people won the Best Picture Oscar. No, that's not true, but it's about as realistic a theory on what the stock market is doing as anyone else may come up with.

Here at Innocent Bystander headquarters, we're winding down form the adrenaline high of Live Oscar Blogging. We had over 2,500 hits last night, which may end up being 25 people each hitting refresh 100 times for all I know. We had 63 comments, even a few bored and angry ones. Which brings up an interesting question...

Why the hell do I do this?

I ocassionally come up with a decent line or two, but to be honest, typing for almost 4 hours straight, monitoring comments, commenting on comments, and keeping track of a TV show is kind of a huge network time waster. I hadn't done it in two years, and I kind of missed it, but today? Not so much. So we're going to rethink our whole "Live Oscar Blogging" strategy, since I kind of feel I peeked two years ago when I had over 4,000 hits in one night, and over 120 comments.

So the days of Live Oscar Blogging may be over, at least for the foreseeable future. Maybe work will rear its ugly head again next year and conspire to bench me, like it did last year. Maybe we'll retire our jersey, to sit out the year in the stands. yelling "Angelina! ANGELINA! UP HERE!" And maybe I'll spray paint my body gold and run through the Gaslamp naked for 4 hours, or until the Oscar police catch me.

The possibilities are limitless.

LIVE OSCAR® BLOGGING!

Thanks to everyone who played along at home and left comments. I appreciate your attention, even if this wasn't my finest hour (or 3). We'll check back in tomorrow with a rundown of the statistics.

GOOD NIGHT!

8:56: A three and a half hour show. Pretty amazing.

8:55: That's eight total Oscars for Slumdog. Maybe I should go see it, what do you think?

8:53: Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire.

8:49: Okay...this is a great use of film clips, cutting in former Best Picture winners with the current nominees.

8:47: I'm not quite sure how Sean Penn got to Mickey Rourke in that last comment.

8:46: They have wisely let the "big" awards say what they want to say.

8:44: Best Actor: Sean Penn. That makes me four for five on the six I picked.

8:42: "Bleached blond battered bruiser." That's not so easy to say. It helps with a British accent.

8:41: It would have been much cooler if Anthony Hopkins did his speech with the Hannibal Lecter mask on.

8:40: Richard Jenkins is thinking right now, "Who the fuck is this guy again whose talking about me?"

8:39: DeNiro looks a helluva lot better than he did in Righteous Kill. He looked righteous old and righteous fat in that one.

8:38: Best Actor: I picked Sean Penn.

8:37: Okay. I'd go see these five guys in a movie together. Well, maybe four of them.

8:35: Right into Best Actor. We're definitely out of Texas now!

8:34: That could be the quote of the evening: "Well, it's not a shampoo bottle now."

8:33: Best Actress: Kate Winslett for The Reader. Now let's just hope she doesn't go all bug-fuck crazy like she did at the Golden Globes.

8:32: I must say I'm starting to dig the 5 actor/actress thing.

8:31: Sophia Loren will be playing Stiffler's Grandma in the next American Pie installment.

8:30: It's Penelope Cruz's MOM!

8:28: All we needed was Shirley Mac to throw in a "Dog" or two.

8:27: Boy, if I was Anne Hathaway, I'd take that as the award right there. Although it does seem a little American Idol-ish doesn't it?

8:26: Best Actress...I picked Kate Winslett. So did Time Magazine, and they're going to be awfully embarrassed sitting on a newsstand all week if they're wrong. Me, I'll get over it.

8:23: Holy shit! This may be a new land/speed record for the Oscars!

8:22: Gosh, someone actually thanked someone at Fox.

8:21: Gosh, I remember Danny Boyle was most famous for showing Ewan McGregor crawl out of a toilet.

8:20: Producer Brian Grazer is the scariest man in show biz.

8:19: The sound is so bad, it's scaring the talent.

8:18: Best Director. I picked Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire.

8:17: The duration of time between commercial breaks has shrunk precipitously as the show has dragged on. However, the length of breaks has decreased. Someone please write an equation for that.

8:15: Perfect image to end on: Paul Newman from The Sting, with that little nose swipe that you let in on the whole damn thing.

8:14: The sound mix on this show tonight is awful.

8:13: Paul Newman will get the biggest round of applause.

8:12: So they can't allow the Best Song nominees to sing their own songs, but Queen Latifah gets to sing for the dead people?

8:11: Dead people segment (not including Jerry Lewis...he was already on.)

8:10: Can I get anybody anything while I'm up? Drink? Snack? Toilet paper?

8:09: Unless, of course, you're of hearty pioneer stock, and hanging in for the duration.

8:08: For our friends on the East Coast, please check back tomorrow to read all our entries and comments!

8:06: Wow, a lot of people went for pee breaks during that commercial, judging from the amount of people running to and from their seats when they came back. I'm sure the water pressure in Hollywood dropped considerably.

8:04: With the two music awards, I have Slumdog at six tonight...am I missing anything: Editing, Sound Mixing, Cinematography, Best Adapted Screenplay, Best Original Score, Best Original Song.

8:02: It's Slumdog's night. Anyone have any idea how many awards they've won so far?

8:01: Folks, we're about to top 2,000 hits tonight, 1,875 of which are mine, no doubt.

8:00: Time check! For those of you on the East Coast, goodnight! Drive safely! I'm sure the songs have put you to sleep.

7:57: EVERYONE AT HOME! GET UP AND DO YOUR OWN INTERPRETIVE DANCE ROUTINE! HONOR DEBBIE ALLEN!

7:57: Okay, now we're talking! INTERPRETIVE DANCE!

7:54: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight's presentation of the Best Score nominees is brought to you by Muzak®. Muzak®, for the very finest in elevator music.

7:52: I almost miss Debbie Allen. At least she was "snarky b-s" blog worthy.

7:51: Here's one of this year's "big changes:" no real singers singing the nominated songs. Instead they gave us more film clips. Great trade.

7:50: Note to ABC: I would watch Nathan Fillion read a phone book for an hour each week, but I give Castle six episodes, tops.

7:49: Unless of course Hugh sings and dances again. I think he still needs to roll out that complete medley of songs from Grease.

7:48: Don't tell anybody this, but we could be out of here by 9:00!

7:47: Wait a minute...I thought the whole point of live blogging the Oscars was "snarky b-s." If you're looking for fashion comments, go visit Tim Gunn, pal.

7:45: The Nutty Professor meets The Nutty Professor. Whoever thought of this is brilliant, BRILLIANT, I tell you!

7:42: Gosh, I hope Jerry Lewis puts a glass in his mouth.

7:39: Yes, I've been reduced to live blogging the commercials. They're better than the show.

7:38: Tim Gunn loses all credence as a "fashion expert" when he starts shilling for detergents.

7:36: "A tribute to Jerry Lewis when we return." Let the HEY LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADY jokes begin.

7:34: For those of you scoring at home, we've just passed the two-hour mark.

7:33: Indian guy is going to have a heart attack.

7:32: When he said Christopher Nolan was "very detail-oriented," he really meant a pain in the ass.

7:31: The bald guys with round glasses are always the most boring.

7:30: We're still driving through Texas, folks.

7:29: Brad Pitt is growing into this Clark Gable looking middle age. Minus the ears, of course.

7:27: Button certainly rules the technical awards.

7:24: Sorry. Food break.

7:20: My life would really be complete tonight if Robin Williams presented the special award to Jerry Lewis. That duo could extend the evening into Labor Day Telethon length.

7:19: Okay we get it...lucky me.

7:17: MAGIC! That's the highlight of the evening, right there, brown leather suit or not.

7:16: There's something you don't see every day: a brown leather suit.

7:14: Pompous asshole alert.

7:13: Yes, I did miss the bathroom break and the crocs. Typing, watching and reading comments isn't easy. And for those of you waiting for me to get funny, well, you're shit our of luck there, my friend.

7:12: I'm at a loss as to why the producers never realize that these "massive onslaughts" of film clips only make the show longer and harder to watch. TRIM THE FUCKING FAT!

7:08: If they cut the Ledger family off after 45 seconds, the technical crew should be shot.

7:08: Best supporting actor: Heath Ledger. Deserved, but very sad.

7:05: Nice of someone to give Cuba Gooding a job.

7:04: Please cast your vote at home now.

7:03: Here's our interactive question: This 5 actors stuff: Good idea or bad idea?

7:02: Okay, Best Supporting Actor. There's only one choice here: Heath Ledger.

7:01: Much better. Thank you Ingrid, Svetlana, and Mel. Who may or may not be male. We haven't figured that out yet.

SEVEN O'CLOCK! Time to have my trained staff of onsite nurses come in and knead my buttocks back into wakey-wakey.

7:00: A movie with Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds. In love. The cougars are inheriting the world.

6:59: It's coming up on 90 minutes, and they've given out ONE major award.

6:58: And, as a safety reminder: don't shit where you eat.

6:57: So when they ask why are the Oscars so fucking long, point out this pointless musical dance number that adds nothing to the festivities, other than an extended bathroom/snack break.

6:56: Zac Efron looks very pudgy. Is he pregnant?

6:55: I knew he'd sing something from Grease. Christ, he did it at Comic-Con five years ago.

6:54: Great...all we need now is Madonna in fishnets straddling a chair.

6:53: I only want to see him sing and dance if he's popping the claws and tearing people limb from limb.

6:52: Oh, god...he's gonna sing again.

6:50: Anybody still with me? If we were all smart, we would have left with Tina Fey's cleavage.

6:48: Does every male foreign film director have to have a shaved head?

6:47: If watching the Academy Awards is like a long car ride across the country, we're currently driving through Texas. The WIDE part of Texas, not the tiny little rectangle up top.

6:46: Seth Rogen's lost weight. He's no longer funny.

6:45: Yeah. Forgetting Sarah Marshall wasn't exactly a comedy.

6:43: This must be the short film by Judd Apatow?

6:42: I'm seeing a bit of a lag time in how Typepad updates stats and such. Just to warn you. We may have technical issues. I may have technical issues. We're 1 hour and 10 minutes into this and I'm already exhausted.

6:39: Does Jessica Biel's gown have a built in purse attached to her chest?

6:38: A reminder to refresh your browsers regularly. Not that you'd be missing much. Also, some of you are commenting on the header above the main article...the real place to comment is down below, but hey...we appreciate you tuning in no matter what.

6:37: I evidently missed Frank Langella coming back from the john. I think Nixon had that problem, too. That's taking method acting way too far, Frank!

6:35: Yeah, it's a Slumdog night.

6:34: Evidently Natalie Portman comes with her own echo chamber.

6:33: With Ben Stiller doing Joaquim Phoenix, we're only moments away from someone else doing Christian Bale.

6:31: A sentence to send a chill up the spine of every viewer: "A short film by Judd Apatow."

6:30: Note to the Academy: next year hire the people who produce TV network news. They cram a whole day's news into one half hour. Maybe they can do this reenactment of the Civil War in 2 hours, 30 minutes, top. 'Cause we're an hour into this show, and I'm not seeing much progress.

6:29: Oh, that explains it. There was NO purpose to those clips. Great. Another fucking time-waster.

6:28: I am not getting the purpose of these romance clips at all. Anyone?

6:27: So there's now a category for romance?

6:27: When they come back from the clips, he'll be 3 feet taller. All hair.

6:26: Watch this Twilight's guy hair...it'll grow before your eyes!

6:25: Man this Benjamin Button guy is reading credits faster than a TBS movie credit crawl.

6:24: Say goodnight, Benjy Button.

6:23: Did I miss the part where Craig and Parker took over hosting the show?

6:22: While this long-winded Brit guy is on, I'd like to take a moment to thank tonight's snack sponsor: Snyder's of Hanover for their delicious pretzel rods. (I am contractually bound to do this.)

6:20: My god, who wrote this shit that Daniel Craig and Sex And The City girl are reading?

6:20: I love you, mom and dad, too.

6:19: Okay...now they allow two people up...or is this actually two awards?

6:18: Kiss of death: when a movie like Benjamin Button wins a technical award like this (and it'll probably win make-up, too), it means it won't win any of the big awards.

6:17: So here's the deal...with such a down-scaled look to the show, why didn't everyone just show up in jeans and t-shirts and make the rest of poor schlubs relate better?

6:16: Okay, NOW I get it...we're getting a "look behind the scenes" at tonight's Oscars. It's the economy, stupid.

6:14: Jack Black is not only scruffy, Shell...he's TINY, too.

6:13: I'm sure Hugh Jackman is backstage arguing with the Fox suits about coming out in a wifebeater with the claws out.

6:10: Bring back out Penelope Cruz to interpret for this guy.

6:09: So, let me get this straight...they have 5 former best supporting actresses come out to give out ONE award...but only one producer/director can come up on stage to get an award? And this saves time?

6:08: So are they only allowing ONE PERSON per film to come up? Andrew Stanton came up alone for WALL•E.

6:07: Best animated feature: WALL•E.

6:06: It's WALL•E.

6:06: Boy, the music is oppressive in this animation clip reel, which incidentally, contains a lot of stuff that isn't even nominated.

6:05: But then again, this show isn't much better than a badly dubbed Japanese movie.

6:04: I don't know about where you're watching...but on my ABC-HD station, the sound is off. It's like watching a badly dubbed Japanese movie.

6:03: So, what...3 awards in 30 minutes? That's pathetic.

6:01: Oh, yeah...so they got Oscar "boys" now, too.

6:00: I'm seriously thinking about live blogging the CBS Evening News.

5:59: Sean Penn has gone from looking like surfer-dude in real life to gangster-dude.

5:58: I'd like to apologize for that last comment.

5:58: Perhaps this indicates a "milk-run" for tonight?

5:57: I should have included that category in my picks. Best original screenplay: Milk.

5:56: Milk is going to win.

5:56: But if anyone is going to read to me tonight, I suppose Tina Fey and Steve Martin are the best possible choices.

5:55: Best original screenplay. And they're doing this goddamn reading thing that they did 2 years ago, too! Idiots!

5:54: The set has improved noticeably.

5:54: Tina Fey and Steve Martin. Now I'm impressed.

5:53: Did they rent only part of the Kodak Theater? 

5:52: I need a drink.

5:51: God, I hate these pompous SPRINT commercials, with their soulless CEO and their classical music. It's a fucking cellphone, get over it.

5:50: First commercial break. RUN!

5:50: SHE'S SWEARING IN SPANISH! I just know she is...

5:49: You know, it's a pretty set, but it's a boring set. I'm talking about the stage...not Penelope Cruz.

5:48: Best supporting actress: Penelope Cruz. I am 0 for 1.

5:47: Is anybody out there? I only have 3 damn comments so far? Where is everyone?

5:46: Okay...we picked Amy Adams for this. Let's see how we do.

5:46: Because if they're going to do this for every actor award, we'll be here for days.

5:45: Revised out-time: 9:34pm.

5:44: Okay, Goldie Hawn looks like she's going down to Dave and Buster's afterwards to pick up some young guy. That cougar is ready to pounce!

5:43: I hope this leading up to actually giving out the Best Supporting Actress Award. Otherwise it's a terrible time waster.

5:42: So they didn't pay anyone to open the curtains?

5:41: Meryl Streep: 15 career nominations. Shouldn't they take one back for Mama Mia?

5:40: He's charming, he's good-looking, he's funny, but he's no Billy Crystal. And that opening number was no Billy Crystal number either.

5:39: Well, there's the giant Oscar statues.

5:38: At least he put the pads on his elbows. On his knees would have cost Wolverine another $40 million.

5:37: You've never seen Jack Nicholson do that.

5:36: Okay. This is cute. Hathaway and Jackman.

5:35: So they couldn't afford the big stage? Where's the giant Oscar statues? Did they hock them?

5:34: $40 million gone from Wolverine's gross.

5:34: Okay, the low rent reference is cute, but it really looks LOW RENT. Something we don't want to see on the Oscars. Producers, take note.

5:33: The minute he sings and dances, Wolverine loses $20 million.

5:32: Iron Man, Wolverine. Wolverine, Iron Man.

5:32: When is he going to pop the claws?

5:31: 81st annual Academy Awards...I hope the show doesn't seem like it's produced by an 81-year old person.

5:30: Let's restart the clock. Ladies and gentleman...start your Jackmans! (Okay, I already used that line. It was premature e-Jackman-ation.)

5:28: Okay. Two minute warning NOW.

5:28: I guess there's no chance anyone actually will disarm Tim Gunn, huh?

5:27: I hate to say it, but watching the musical director and the production designer talk about how they're doing the show makes me miss Tim Gunn.

5:26: If our times seem a little off, we apologize. We're typing in each and every one. That's how devoted we are.

5:25: They added a countdown clock there for a moment, to remind us that something remotely entertaining was coming up.

5:25: It's Marissa Tomei...WITH CLOTHES!

5:24: Jess Cagle must be very, very short if he's the same height as Jack Black, because Jack Black is a wee little man.

5:23: Penelope Cruz: still butchering the English language on a daily basis.

5:22: I wish someone would disarm Tim Gunn. Literally.

5:21: Jesus, we even have to know what the freekin' ACCOUNTANTS are wearing?

5:20: Let's take this moment and talk about the out-time. I'm predicting the show will be over at 9:14pm.

5:16: Anne Hathaway has the biggest eyes and teeth I've ever seen. You thought I was going someplace else there, didn't you?

5:15: Yes, Miley Cyrus has a movie on April 10th. And she will most certainly be nominated next year! 

5:14: Okay...nothing bad to say about Robert Downey Jr.

5:13: Now we're talkin' star power: Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgins. Or whatever the fuck their names are.

5:12: Mickey Rourke's wearing Bob's Thrift Store, corner of Wilshire and Fairfax.

5:10: Robin Roberts needs to go back to the morning show. NOW.

5:09: How can these people--supposedly experts--make fashion seem so unfashionable?

5:07: Commercials! We'd like to remind you to REFRESH YOUR BROWSER REGULARLY to see the latest entries.

5:06: Tim Gunn proclaims Brangelina the "most glorious couple on the red carpet!" I thought he was going to jizz in his pants there for a moment.

5:05: "Richard Nixon couldn't be here tonight." Gosh, I wonder why.

5:04: Sarah Jessica Parker looks like her gown was designed by Disney.

5:03: "Who designed your shoes? What's most on your mind tonight?" Maybe why are you asking me such stupid damn questions?

5:02: False start. My apologies.

5:01: Oh, crap. New assholes.

5:00: Here we go! Ladies and gentlemen, start your Jackmans!

4:59: Two important quotes to keep in mind tonight:

"Fasten your seatbelts...it's going to be a bumpy ride."

And:

"I don't know. I'm making this up as I go."

4:58: TWO MINUTE WARNING. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Last stop for gas until Vegas.

4:56: Okay, this crap is over...thank god I only caught 10 minutes of it. I would have smashed my TV with any more.

4:54: I'd like to know the origin of this "what are you wearing" crap. Who cares? Who is going to go out tomorrow and buy a dress just like this? Well, maybe Randolph Duke...

4:53: Note to TV executives...please never hire any of these people again for anything. They're not fit for infomercials. Especially the dipped in plastic and dye Randolph Duke. Who the fuck is this guy?

4:51: I'm sure Brad and Angie would just LOVE to know they've been compared to Richard Burton and Liz Taylor.

4:50: Jesus Christ, where in the hell did ABC pick up these people?

4:48: Brad and Angelina! OMIGOD! I haven't seen them since the last time I was in the checkout line.

4:45: So evidently no one told the hosts of ABC's "An Evening at the Academy Awards" what LIVE TV means. I just saw one of their red carpet interviewers stop an interview and ask to start over...LIVE.

4:43: This is a test of the INNOCENT BYSTANDER LIVE OSCAR BLOGGING NETWORK. This is only a test.

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I calls 'em as I sees 'em. Don't write to me and tell me how I'm evil or mean or even too nice. Spelling errors--really DUMB ones--are apt to occur. There will be swearing. This is entirely live, stream of semi-consciousness stuff. Finally, and most importantly, the opinions expressed on this blog are mine and mine alone.

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The Big Day: LIVE OSCAR® BLOGGING looms!

It's finally here, the day we've all been waiting for! LIVE OSCAR BLOGGING begins tonight at 5:00pm, Pacific Standard Time, 8:00pm on the East Coast, and God knows when in the nether regions of this great land of ours, such as Oklahoma, Kansas, and Arkansas, where we're not even sure the Interwebs reaches.

While we'll undoubtedly run into some kind of "red carpet" fluff during the 5:00–5:30pm timeslot on ABC, we will pretty much steadfastly avoid such pre-Oscar drivel, especially when you consider E!, that bastion of entertainment journalism has SIX FREAKIN' HOURS of it on today, starting with "Countdown to the Academy Awards," and then LIVE for three hours from 3:00–6:00pm. I imagine that at some point Ryan Seacrest will start talking about the weave in the carpet, and how it stays oh so red. One good thing: I can't seem to find any mention of Joan and Melissa Rivers hosting any red carpet crap this year. Joan currently have a new book out, Murder at the Academy Awards. It's reportedly "fiction," but when the name Joan Rivers is combined with the word "murder," well...we can only hope.

There seems to be a bit of a damper on the awards this year, at least according to Nikki Finke, the current doyen of Hollywood breaking news. Both stars and advertisers are taking a time-out this year, with some of the big guns refusing to give out awards. We are not, however, going to let anyone--even the redoubtable Ms. Finke--pee on our Oscar parade. Be here at 5:00pm sharp for the festivities!

LIVE OSCAR® BLOGGING: Innocent Bystander's Oscar picks!

Yes, I assure you, on this night before the Academy Awards™, I am wearing a tuxedo as I prepare to pick this year's winners in the bigger categories (read that as the categories anyone gives a crap about). Well...okay. It's just the tuxedo t-shirt. But at least I made an effort. What are you wearing (baby)?

Without any further ado, here are the categories and their respective nominees, with my picks in bold. You can pick your own at home, too...just clean up after. These picks should in no way, shape or form imply any actual viewing on my part of the motion pictures nominated for this year's awards. That would be cheating.

BEST PICTURE
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
Milk
The Reader
Slumdog Millionaire

BEST DIRECTOR
Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
Stephen Daldry, The Reader
Gus Van Sant, Milk

BEST ACTOR
Richard Jenkins, The Visitor
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

BEST ACTRESS
Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie, Changeling
Melissa Leo, Frozen River
Meryl Streep, Doubt
Kate Winslet, The Reader

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Josh Brolin, Milk
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Michael Shannon, Revolutionary Road

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Amy Adams, Doubt
Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis, Doubt
Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marisa Tomei, The Wrestler

BEST ANIMATED FEATURE
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda
WALL-E

Tune in tomorrow night to see how I did, and to view the incredible spectacle of LIVE. OSCAR®. BLOGGING!