Dear Gatorade,
As most of my friends will attest--and a-testify, if need be--I sign most of my correspondence--letters and email--with a simple "G." I have done this for many years, so many, it's almost impossible to remember when it all began. It has, quite frankly, become a bit of a trademark of mine, something my friends recognize and look forward to seeing on all my missives. One friend has even taken to calling me "G-spot," in recognition of that trademark. (Sadly, that friend is a man, but the point is not lost on you, I'm sure...it's a recognized part of my character.)
Now I finally see what these pompous, overdone commercials are promoting, the black and white ones with the sports legends and such, the slow pan across familiar--albeit older--faces, ending--until recently--with just a "G." Now it's revealed it's for Gatorade, your drink, your company, which has now had the colossal balls to call itself just plain "G."
These commercials have to be directed by Spike Lee...no one else would have the overinflated ego to pull off something so outrageously full of itself. But that's not my point. My point is you have violated my own personal trademark, my signature, and I, sirs and mesdames, am shocked--SHOCKED, I tell you--that you would have the temerity, gumption, and wherewithal to make such a bold and naked assault on my own personal property.
You will be hearing--forthwith and with alacrity--from my personal attorney, J. Cheever Loophole, of the firm Hungadunga, Hundgadunga, Hungadunga, and McCormick.
I would appreciate a CASH settlement, once contacted, not that swill you produce with my trademark initial on it.
Sincerely
-G.
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