LIVE OSCAR BLOGGING ... right here, right now!

Addendum:
If you're stopping by to read this AFTER the live blogging (and shame on you for not joining us live), the entry actually starts at the bottom, so please, scroll all the way down to the end and READ UP. Or as they say in Pittsburgh, red up.

9:19pm:
I was ten minutes off the out-time. And I ended up being eight for ten on my picks.

I'd like to thank everyone who commented....104 comments left during the live broadcast, most by the same people, but thanks for the company. I'd also like to thank Apple, for their MacBook Pro, on which tonight's writing and festivities took place. Special thanks to iLap, a great little lap-desk product which kept my sensitive thighs from getting third-degree burns. And of course, Snyder's of Hanover, the official pretzel provider for tonight's munching.

Good-night! Thank you all! See you next year!

9:18pm:
So here's why Jack is bald: He's doing a movie called The Bucket List, which, according to IMDb is about "two terminally ill men escape from a cancer ward and head off on a road trip with a wish list of to-dos before they die." The other guy? Morgan Freeman. The bad news: Directed by Rob Reiner.

9:15pm:
It IS The Departed's year. Good for them. And for me, it's one of Scorsese's best films...and for the very reason that the announcer just gave: It's the first movie he's ever done with a PLOT.

9:14pm:
Okay...Best Film. THIS IS IT.

9:13pm:
I'm surprised Keaton would show her face after that horrible Mandy Moore film.

9:12pm:
The world stops for Jack.

9:10pm:
That's the liveliest the joint has been all night. And it's very cool that he got this from Coppola, Lucas and Spielberg. All four of them, 70s icons.

9:09pm:
FINALLY! I'm seven for nine.

9:08pm:
It has to be Scorsese. If not, there's no justice in the world, and Mark Wahlberg should go all ballistic on their collected asses.

9:04pm:
Yep. Too bad for Peter O'Toole. Venus was his swan song. I am officially six for eight.

9:03pm:
They need to learn to stack the awards within the show in a better fashion. Saving all the big ones for the end is bad planning. You could just start watching at 8:45pm. Anyway, Best Actor...Forrest Whitaker.

9:01pm:
Divorce suits Reese Witherspoon.

9:00pm:
It's 9:00pm. Do you know where your little, bald, golden children are?

8:58pm:
While throwing to the commercial break, Chris Connelly just mentioned that if you had the song from An Inconvenient Truth as Best Song in your office Oscar pool, you won't have to buy the donuts tomorrow. He meant TUESDAY.

8:54pm:
Ladies and gentlemen: THE QUEEN!

8:52pm:
Finally! Another one...Best Actress. Another no-brainer.

8:49pm:
Wow. It was only last year that Robert Altman won the honorary Oscar. Now he's in the dead folks reel.

8:45pm:
Dead people time. Although Jodie Foster looks good. But it's time to turn the TV off now, Mr. Hinckley, and for you to go to bed.

8:44pm:
Nicholson looks like a bouncer at a Bowery bar.

8:43pm:
So...maybe it's The Depahted's night? Best editing, best adapted screenplay...

8:41pm:
Kate, honey..NO ONE HAS CUT TO THE CHASE TONIGHT. I just realized, in addition to Best Editing, we also have Best Cinematography to go, plus everything else I mentioned below.

8:40pm:
Dear Ms. Ziskin,

I get that the Academy Awards is a celebration of the American Film Industry. I really do. But throwing in so many damn mini-film segments on a broadcast that is essentially an awards program--and nothing else--is annoying and self-aggrandizing. I won't even bring up the dance troupe and the sound effects choir. I'm sure you feel beaten up enough already for that. But in the case of the most-watched awards show IN THE WORLD, the production philosophy behind it should be: KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID. And on that level, you failed miserably.

Sincerely,
-Gary.

8:36pm:
Boy, I think that set is really stunning this year. Best set in years. Worst broadcast in years. The Lord giveth and he giveth not so much.

8:35pm:
I'm going to be majorly stunned if Little Miss Sunshine wins Best Motion Picture tonight...

8:32pm:
There's a lesson in there for you, kids...don't let three of your tunes from the same movie get nominated for Best Song. None of them will win, and a song that didn't have a snowball's chance in hell (Ha! GET IT! The movie's about GLOBAL WARMING! Oh, sometimes I'm just RED HOT! There I go again!) will win instead.

8:29pm:
I ran over to Ralph's and bought more pretzels while they performed the entire freekin' score from Dreamgirls.

8:25pm:
I'm predicting our new out-time (as they say in the TV biz, and aren't you impressed?) is 9:33:33.

8:24pm:
If you do the math...we have Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Song, Best Score, Best Director (excuse me ... Achievement in Directing) ... and Best Motion Picture left. Is that it? Oh, yeah. And I see dead people. Another four or five minutes of filmed fun.

8:20pm:
Jennifer Lopez is "an excellent reason for HD television?" HUH? Who writes this shit? We can't even see her butt. Which is a good thing, 'cause it would FILL the screen.

8:18pm:
Chris Connelly just asked, "Who gets to go home with one of these?" pointing at the Oscar statues left on the shelf. I ask, WHO GETS TO GO HOME?

8:17pm:
The Oscar larder is lookin' kinda sparse.

8:16pm:
Shouldn't Prince be coming on for the half-time show about now?

8:15pm:
Yep. So now we're what...let me check. Four for six.

8:14pm:
Oh...we picked this one. Best Original Screenplay. We picked Little Miss Sunshine.

8:13pm:
AGAIN WITH THE READING OF THE SCRIPTS?!

8:12pm:
Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst make a cute if awkward young couple. I wonder why they never made a movie together...

8:11pm:
You know what? Maybe if they cut out the damn dance troupes and Ellen playing backstage, Sid Ganis wouldn't have to be so speeded up.

8:10pm:
I remember last year. It was much more enjoyable, but it seems like it was much longer than a year ago.

8:08pm:
If I remember correctly, last year Cruz and Hayek presented together and it was a battle of accents and cleavage.

8:07pm:
Penelope Cruz is no fun without Salma Hayek by her side.

8:04pm:
Another friendly reminder: REFRESH YOUR BROWSERS!

8:02pm:
Okay, c'mon. It's nice and all, but some of us have school tomorrow, Ennio.

8:01pm:
Thanks, Clint.

8:00pm:
So we can pay for a dance troupe but not a translator?

7:59pm:
It's nice to see The Office's Rashida Jones with her dad, Quincy, but what the hell is he wearing? A pajama top?

7:58pm:
I acknowledge the fact that Celine Deon has a wonderful voice, but...you can take the girl out of the backwards sticks of Canada, but you can't take the backwards sticks of Canada out of the girl. She's still one of the most awkward stage presences I've ever seen, although she has improved a tad. A smidge.

7:56pm:
Okay...this may be a world premiere of a new song, but I believe it might be music from Once Upon A Time In America...the gangster epic starring DeNiro and James Woods...but I could be wrong.

7:55pm:
I must admit his Untouchables score is a favorite of mine. Great movie marred by the last 15 minutes where it all goes to hell. All except the music.

7:54pm:
Another film compilation. This one for Morricone, so it's valid. And the music is lovely...but again, here we are. Another four minutes shot to hell.

7:50pm:
Clint's still pretty damn spry. This is the honorary Oscar part. Take a break.

7:49pm:
I'd like to thank Al Gore because without his discovery of the Internet, we would not be here tonight.

7:47pm:
Oh, crap. I should have picked this category. It's a no-brainer. An Inconvenient Truth.

7:46pm:
I'd go for Seinfeld as an Oscar host.

7:45pm:
Evidently Jerry Seinfeld has been out practicing his "mall-walking" around the Boca condo complex. That's a pretty peppy walk.

7:44pm:
Best Documentary winners: Traditionally, the most long-winded of the bunch and prone to telling the conductor not to play that funky music, white boy.

7:43pm:
Eva Green: Perfect as Morticia in the New Addams Family.

7:41pm:
Let's take this moment to examine this, which is the worst Oscar show of recent memory. There's a real easy way to correct this. Eliminate all the crap. Take away all the technical awards, even cinematography, and especially the sound ones. Make it the actor and actress categories, best and supporting, the other best films--documentary, short, animated and animated short, and foreign--and best film and director. Cut it down to TWO hours, not this death march to Bataan that producer Laura Ziskin has given us tonight. And get a better host. While Ellen is certainly likeable and affable, she's no Oscar host. AND NO DANCE TROUPES.

7:38pm:
BREAK! Honestly, I'm feeling a little woozy. I think it's the boredom.

7:36pm:
Jennifer Hudson. No surprise. Even I guessed that one. I'm three for five.

7:34pm:
Finally another major award. Best Supporting Actress.

7:32pm:
I get the feeling they're sitting in the production truck right about now, saying, "The show has been on for two hours, and we're already behind by two and a half."

7:30pm:
Anyone still there? I wouldn't blame you if you were all playing Travel Scrabble about now.

7:28pm:
I'll be spending mine on DVDs of movies I ACTUALLY WANT TO SEE.

7:27pm:
If you're keeping track at home, I believe they owe us about 22 minutes of time back. I'm hoping we'll be reimbursed by a special check box on our 2007 income tax returns. "If you watched the Academy Awards on Feb. 25, 2007, you are entitled to a credit of $5.00 per wasted minute."

7:25pm:
Another brilliant idea: Give the most complicated intro speech--incidentally leading into another USELESS film piece--to the two people who can't speak English.

7:24pm:
Crisis at IB/Oscar Central: Not only can't we understand a word Catherine Denuuuuuuuuuuuuve or Ken Watanatanatanabe is saying, but we're also out of pretzels.

7:23pm:
Visual effects guy: Either write this shit down or don't speak and let someone else do it.

7:22pm:
That goatee on Robert Downey...for his role as Tony Stark in Iron Man. Just a little 'insider' info. Oh, no, don't thank me...

7:21pm:
Yellow is not a good color for anyone. Not even Naomi Watts. She looks like a bridesmaid in a particularly horrible wedding.

7:17pm:
Folks, we've shut the phones off here at IB/Oscar Central. If you're calling in, please note: In the immortal words of Ratzo Risso: I'M WORKIN' HERE! Operators will be back on duty tomorrow.

7:16pm:
Wait...I thought Red Bull gave you wings?

7:14pm:
Another one for Pan's Labyrinth!

7:12pm:
Okay...Gwyneth looks pretty damn stunning.

7:11pm:
Well, at least Ellen changed her clothes.

7:09pm:
Sherry Lansing is the official poster child of tonight's show. Stilted, awkward, slow-moving and self-aggrandizing. Welcome to the Academy Awards 2007!

7:07pm:
Great...now it's the Sherry Lansing story. We're 90 minutes into this show and they've given out ONE. MAJOR. AWARD.

7:05pm:
Crazy man on stage! TOM CRUISE ALERT!

7:04pm:
Hey! It's the real life equivalent of The Incredible's Edna Mode!

7:01pm:
Please add to my 6:58 entry...needless live reenactments of actual costumes from the movies.

7:00pm:
I promise not to fawn over Hathaway and Blunt. I promise not to fawn over...

6:58pm:
This Oscar broadcast contains everything we DON'T want. It's one of those big, black SUVs with an "E" in the name like Excursion or Expedition and with all the gas-guzzling extras: dance troupes, sound effects choirs, reading from the scripts of nominated screenplays, needless short films and useless backstage banter. It may be the first broadcast to go green, but it certainly gets crappy mileage.

6:53pm:
Okay, we're back in the game. Two for four.

6:52pm:
I remember the days when they just READ THE NOMINEES AND GAVE OUT THE FUCKING AWARD, instead of reading the damn screenplays.

6:50pm:
Best Adapted Screenplay...I picked The Departed, or, as they say in Boston...The Depahted.

6:49pm:
Well, folks...here's another 4 minutes we'll never get back.

6:48pm:
Remember, dear readers: REFRESH YOUR BROWSERS for the latest entries and comments!

6:47pm:
Oh, great. Another short film. Anyone care to venture a guess about what time we're all going home tonight? Ten? Ten-fifteen?

6:46pm:
Happy Feet director George Miller looks like Old Hollywood. Old Gay Hollywood, but old Hollywood nonetheless.

6:45pm:
Best animated film: Happy Feet. I'm 1 for 3. Goddamn penguins. At least Robin Williams isn't accepting. Count your blessings.

6:43pm:
Did Cameron Diaz have cheek implants? She's awfully cheeky.

6:42pm:
Is Jack Nicholson starring in a road company revival of ANNIE?

6:41pm:
For those of you scoring at home along with me, I am NOT two for three...I'm one for two. I got art direction right and best supporting actor wrong.

6:38pm:
Wow, for a second there I thought Leo and Gore were going to have one of those long, passionate kisses like Al shared with Tipper on the dais that one time. It was a scary moment.

6:37pm:
Jerry Seinfeld is in the audience, but somehow I doubt that Kramer is a seat-filler.

6:36pm:
LEO! LEO! LEO! His star power is sucked down a notch or twelve next to the great black hole of personality standing next to him.

6:35pm:
Oh, goody! This song from An Inconvenient Truth comes with handy tips to conserve energy. I hope the audience doesn't think it's Karaoke. You know how dumb some of these actors tend to be.

6:33pm:
Has it only been an hour? It seems like DAYS. And they've only given out one major award.

6:32pm:
Notice: All blog readers MUST wash their hands when using the bathroom.

6:31pm:
First nominated song! BATHROOM BREAK! Food run! You're on your own in the bathroom, but I'm happy to get you something from the fridge, if you'd like.

6:28pm:
Okay...dance troupe and sound effects choirs. I mean the dance thing is kinda cool, but it brings the entire evening to a screeching halt. And it's one of those things that you just know the producer thought was BRILLIANT, ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT and the staff around her all said YES! YES! WE LOVE IT! And we at home, who sit and watch, are stuck with the giant turd it becomes on camera.

6:26pm:
Isn't about time for a wardrobe change for Ellen?

6:25pm:
Aw, crap. When an old curmudgeon like Arkin cries, he makes me cry. Son of a bitch.

6:24pm:
That's a nice surprise.

6:23pm:
OOH! Alan Arkin! I picked Murphy. I'm one for two.

6:23pm:
FINALLY! An award with some meat on its bones...Best Supporting Actor.

6:22pm:
Jackie Earle Haley is also up for best corpse in a film.

6:21pm:
I had a Rachel Vise once. Got my hand caught in it.

6:20pm:
More sound guys pulling out papers. And glasses. CAN WE GET TO A REAL FUCKING AWARD, PLEASE?
Christ, this guy wrote a book.

6:19pm:
I apologize for that last remark. It's in advance of my new career writing sappy greeting cards.

6:18pm:
FAWNING ALERT: Is it me or is it appropriate that Jessica Biel got her big start on a show called Seventh Heaven. SIGH...

6:17pm:
The nervous sound guy who looks like Capt. Kangaroo won't get a chance to speak. YEP!

6:16pm:
Oh, you know when both the sound guys pull out papers, we're in deep shit.

6:15pm:
Sound editing. Another big award. I still don't get why they don't do all of the technical awards at another ceremony and just take the evening and concentrate on the "big" ones.

6:13pm:
This sound effects choir thing is crap. Who was the person that thought this one up? I'm almost missing Debbie Allen at this point. Talk about the bringing the evening to a crashing halt. Where's their sound effect for that slam on the brakes?

6:12pm:
Okay, in the past, haven't they started the festivities with a semi-major award like best supporting actor or actress?

6:10pm:
Is it me or this a very slow show? And are those shelves in the back that they show going to commercial break the Oscar stockroom?

6:06pm:
Clint Eastwood is starting to sound very old.

6:05pm:
Sorry, but I evidently don't know how to turn verification off. I tried.

6:04pm:
I like the graphics with the sliding blinds.

6:03pm:
Oh, NOW I GET IT! The kids are doing the SHORT awards. That's BRILLIANT! Emmy for writing for special event show for that one!

6:02pm:
Is comment verification still on?

6:02pm:
Man, those DANISH POET folks are seated up in the boonies. That's going to make for a very long show.

6:01pm:
Okay, the kids thing is too cute for words. And NOT in a good way.

6:00pm:
Is that Will Ferrell's REAL hair? Or just a special effect?

5:59pm:
Two for two for Pan's Labyrinth tonight. Wow.

5:58pm:
Sorry to drag down the festivities with technical issues. But I do want to read your comments. And it's only the make-up award.

5:57pm:
I have to republish all my pages before the verification thing goes away.

5:55pm:
Add John C. Reilly to that list, please.

5:54pm:
It's official. Both Jack Black and Will Ferrell are overexposed.

5:52pm:
Sorry...we've been off trying to turn off the comment thing, so you can more easily leave comments. It wasn't easy to find again. Let me know if it's off, please.

5:49pm:
I actually thing Maggie Gyllenhaal is a special effect.

5:48pm:
Art Direction: Pan's Labyrinth. I'm one for one!

5:47pm:
Kidman said Dweamgirls. I swear she did. She's the illegitimate daughter of Elmer Fudd and Baba Walters!

5:46pm:
Kidman and Craig are in a movie together...a remake of Invasion of the Body Snatchers, I do believe.

5:45pm:
Oh, god...is Debbie Allen back in the house?

5:44pm:
For my money, they can just keep showing Steve Carell's reactions all night.

5:44pm:
Whose the woman with Leo? His mom?

5:43pm:
LEO! LEO! LEO!

5:42pm:
Mr. O'Toole is up for best corpse in a movie. Along with Al Gore.

5:42pm:
Blink if you understand us, Peter.

5:39pm:
Really slow.

5:39pm:
She's cute and funny, but she doesn't have the energy of previous hosts. It seems kind of slow.

5:38pm:
The set is very open, very different from previous years. Very bright.

5:37pm:
Ellen is dressed like my dad on a golf vacation. Thirty years ago.

5:36pm:
Peter O'Toole has that whole clapping thing DOWN.

5:35pm:
Based on the opening, I'll venture the guess that this will be a VERY. LONG. NIGHT.

5:33pm:
Okay...this opening is interesting, but way too fucking long. But that kinda describes the whole evening, doesn't it?

5:30pm:
The stage looks like a giant jukebox.

5:28pm:
Two-minute warning. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

5:27pm:
Blue tux just added a syllable or three to "curate."

5:26pm:
I think they kicked Lisa Ling off The View because she kept asking all of them what it was like to be naked in front of the camera.

5:25pm:
I think del Toro lost weight. Considerable weight. Must be the Peter Jackson diet.

5:24pm:
Boy the Lucky Magazine chick at the big yellow autograph board is a bit breathless, isn't she?

5:22pm:
Oh, I so want Mark Wahlberg to talk to Chris Connelly like he talked in The Departed...

5:19pm:
Okay...Jessica Biel in that purple dress was a moment. I'm all for fashion like that.

5:19pm:
Did Chris Connelly just insult Ryan Gosling's mom...by saying he "rolls large?"

5:19pm:
And that has to be a fake accent.

5:18pm:
Oh, god...blue tux is asking Cate Blanchett about belting things. And I don't mean hitting.

5:17pm:
I'm hoping that the Academy saw Norbit before they voted for Best Supporting Actor. But I still think Eddie Murphy will win.

5:15pm:
I'd like to take this moment in time to publicly confess I just don't get Cameron Diaz. Moderately attractive, okay in comedy, but...WTF? I don't get it. Maybe on a sitcom...

5:14pm:
Okay, this fashion guy in the blue tux has GOT TO GO. Call security.

5:13pm:
Officially, this is THE ROAD TO THE OSCARS, which I guess has the same punchline to how do you get to Carnegie Hall? Timing.

5:11pm:
Okay, okay. The contract says 5:00pm. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT!

5:09pm:
Wait a minute...this is Red Carpet crap! I didn't sign on for this! Get my agent on the phone!

5:07pm:
Steve Carell! I'd love to see him host the Oscars.

5:06pm:
Why is everyone at the Oscars that's connected with the fashion industry seem like they just stepped out of a particularly bad SNL sketch?

5:05pm:
It's the Aussie connection...lots of barbecues, they confess. Nicole says her career changed dramatically post-Oscar...like Bewitched? Fur?

5:04pm:
Isn't Lisa Ling one of THE DEPARTED from The View?

5:03pm:
LEO! LEO! LEO! He's all grows up.

5:02pm:
I remember Chris Connelly when he was cool and an editor for Premiere. Before he made a deal with Satan, evidently.

5:01pm:
Oh, my...an animated crossover...Cars and Happy Feet!

5:00pm:
Here we go...but personally, it's not a good sign when the show starts with the voice of Robin Williams.

4:59pm:
By the way, I'm catheterized this year...so if I seem a little uncomfortable, that's why.

4:58pm:
Last chance for food and rest stop before the show begins. Run!

4:57pm:
Richard Roeper says he's never seen so much craziness on the red carpet! CRAZINESS, I tell you!

4:55pm:
Fashion update from Randolph Duke: Lots of retro gowns and flowers this year. Duly--or dully--noted.

4:53pm:
We notice some small lag in actually posting, a hitch in TypePad...so bear with us. Or, if you're watching at home, bare with us. C'mon...you knew there'd be bad puns involved, didn't you?

4:51pm:
ABC's Oscar pre-show coverage includes critic Richard Roeper, the bad half of the Ebert/Roeper team, and fashionista Randolph Duke, who reminds me of some city slicker who tried to bilk the Clampetts out of their considerable fortune while romancing Ellie Mae. Or in his case, probably Jethro. There are two other people I'm unfamiliar with, including an incredibly skinny blonde. Thankfully, Joan and Melissa are off somewhere, banished to a cable station I refuse to venture to.

4:47pm:
This is a test of the Innocent Bystander Live Oscar Blogging Software™. This is only a test. In the event of actual Live Oscar Blogging, oh, crap...this IS Live Oscar Blogging. WE'RE ON THE AIR and coming to you live from my cozy little living room, tucked gently into the Gaslamp Quarter of downtown San Diego. Can you hear me?

The Rules:
I calls 'em as I sees 'em. Don't write to me and tell me how I am/was too horrible or mean or too nice or too fawning or whatever. Spelling errors--really DUMB ones--are apt to occur. This is entirely live, stream of semi-consciousness stuff. Finally, and most importantly, the opinions expressed on this blog are mine and mine alone. Kids...don't try this at home.

NEW ENTRIES APPEAR AT THE TOP!
All entries will appear in this space in ascending order, with NEWEST entries on TOP. REFRESH YOUR BROWSER REGULARLY to continue reading new additions!

Comments

[M_eHart]

Happy March. Thanks for an entertaining recap -- my responses differed from yours a lot of the time, including my appreciation for all the technical not-just-the-big awards stuff during the international broadcast, but it was still fun to read your reactions. Not live. I don't have a computer in the same room as a TV. Sorry.

[Richard Marcej]

It may have had a plot (with some honking big plotholes) but had one of the dumbest endings that I've seen in a long time.

[Janeen]

Ciao, regazzi. Molto grazie, Gary.

[Shell]

Damn, almost four hours ! It's been a slice, see ya' soon ...

[Shell]

I disagree with everyone that dumps on The Departed; it's a decent film. Not as good as Good Fellas, Taxi Driver, or Raging Bull, but a pretty damned good film.

[elessa]

maybe the award to scorsese is more for his body of work...

[Shell]

Scorsese, about flippin' time !

[Richard Marcej]

Scorsese finally wins, and it's for one of the worst movies he's ever made.

It figures.

[Janeen]

Yes, Reese looks good. I see long straight blonde hair is the thing this year.

[Shell]

Are all the people backstage waiting to get into the bathroom ?

[Janeen]

Best looking women tonight: Penelope Cruz, Kate Winslet and Helen Mirren.

[John]

Pan's Labyrinth won Cinematography early.

[Shell]

The All-Star Dead Band !

[Shell]

Thelma Schoonmaker wins this one.

[Shell]

I'm getting sleepy.

[Janeen]

Another montage for no reason? OK, Gael can't save this production. It's back to the worst Oscars ever.

[Janeen]

Melissa Etheridge wins this? All those great songs from Dreamgirls and ME wins? The Academy is wack.

[elessa]

i can't wait for all the video that will be on youtube and other sources shortly so i can see what all of you are being snarky about.

[elessa]

mmmmm... pretzels!

[Shell]

Jennifer Hudson is HOTTER than Beyonce.

[Shell]

Now I know why I avoided Dreamgirls.

[aimee]

jennifer hudson is a way better singer than beyonce

[Shell]

The dance numbers are painful.

[Janeen]

That was a nice speech. Short, classy, but still heartfelt.

[Shell]

Yes, I remember the cleavage.

Almost three hours now.

Jeepers !