LIVE! Oscar blogging...

The Rules:
I calls 'em as I sees 'em. Don't write to me about how horrible or mean or too nice or too fawning or whatever I am. This is entirely live, stream of semi-consciousness stuff. I will try and add times to each entry but don't hold me to it. No Joan, Melissa or Star Jones bashing. You could not pay me enough to watch those three. Finally, and most importantly, the opinions expressed on this blog are mine and mine alone.

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4:53pm
I'm tanned, I'm rested, I'm ready. The trunks are on, the gloves are OFF (it's damn hard to type with those boxing gloves on) and I'm in the ring. Alone. But in the ring nonetheless. It's time. LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMBLE!

4:55pm
HUBBA-HUBBA! That dress on Hilary Swank sure is form-fitting. They're recapping some of the red carpet arrivals. She got a 9.6. Not from me. From the designer dude.

5:00pm
Relax...it's only the Oscar Countdown. Smoke 'em if you got 'em. Oh, Christ...BILLY-FUCKING-BUSH. I'm in hell. How long can a half-hour last? With Billy Bush, an eternity burning in hell.

5:03pm
Annette Bening is such a class act. I don't think she really gives a crap whether she wins or loses. Age is catching up with Mr. Beatty, though, dontcha think?

5:06pm
Don't like Renee Zellweger with black hair. And is it me, or is she really pushing the Southern accent?

5:08pm
Ooooooo...Laura Linney. Don't like all the make-up, but man she's stunning. Oh, her dress. It's Jay Mendel. Of course. I knew that. WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS?

5:11pm
Okay, when Virginia Madsen turned around, I totally thought she had her panties on the OUTSIDE of that dress. That's NOT a good design element. Nice shade of blue, though!

5:13pm
"Way before you were a movie star, you were a serious actor..." says Billy Bish to Orlando Bloom. So much for the movie bizness. Way to bite the hand that feeds you, Billy-boy!

5:15pm
Kirsten, Christian. Christian, Kirsten. I hope this isn't a full-fledged creepy brother thing like Angelina Jolie a few years back.

5:17pm
Does anyone think Clint Eastwood will win the Best Actor Oscar for channeling Burgess Meredith from the Rocky movies?

5:18pm
Owen...Clive Owen. Okay, he claims NO ONE HAS TALKED TO HIM ABOUT JAMES BOND. Does he really think the British Press would LIE to us? That's unheard of!

5:21pm
Billy Bush is actually semi-restrained tonight. But can anyone tell me where he came from? Why is he on network-level TV? There's Robin Williams already doing schtick on the red carpet. You know, he could literally die doing a bit on live TV and no one would realize he was dead. They'd all sit and wait for him to get up and do some funny voice. And he wouldn't. He'd be dead! That would be pretty damn funny. Tragic. But funny.

5:24pm
The guys from Price Waterhouse. Now that's EXCITING TEEVEE!

5:25pm
"Oscar de le Renta made it fo me!" Awww...she's so cute. Get her the hell off, please. Ladies and gentlemen! Penelope Cruz!

5:27pm
Okay. We're warmed up. The keypad is humming, the fingers are flying. We're ready for the main event. BRING IT ON.

5:31pm
77. Wow. That's a lot. That's older than me. Is that Dustin Hoffman doing the voiceover on this opening film? I love these little films.

5:34pm
Very cool...Shrek and Chaplin walking into the sunset. Let's quit while we're ahead, okay?

5:37pm
Is Chris Rock going to SHOUT EVERYTHING ALL NIGHT LONG? I kinda don't get him as a host. Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg, Steve Martin. At least they all have movie careers. (Well, Billy and Whoopi DID. Once.) Didn't Chris Rock's movie career kinda tank? I know he's funny. I know he's popular. I still don't get him as host, though.

5:38pm
2 asses. 1 sucks. Anybody calling Michael Powell over at the FCC? Is he still there? I'm thinking that's about $150,000 right off the bat.

5:40pm
I have yet to laugh. Anyone?

5:43pm
I miss Billy Crystal's song. They should have him just come on and do his song.

5:44pm
The set is kinda cool. I like the stuff playing in the floor and in the ceiling. I really love the sketches in the Art Direction category. What's this with bringing all the nominees on stage at once? Is that a time saver or just a way to be extra-cruel to the losers?

5:46pm
I'm 1 for 1. See below (The Pre-Show). Got the Art Direction one right. Of course you know, I can go back and edit that post and get them ALL right, don't you?

5:47pm
I liked the Italian accents on the first pair of winners. Let's make everyone do that tonight!

5:48pm
Okay...is Renee's dress that tight, or is she SLINKING because she wants to?

5:50pm
YEAH! MORGAN FREEMAN! 2 for 2, baby!

5:51pm
What a classy guy. New rule: Oscar nominated songs are official break times! Run for it! Oh, and that Pepsi/Spartacus commerical? That sound you hear is Stanley Kubrick spinning. Real fast.

5:53pm
Chuck...Lemony Snicket? Are you smoking crack, dude?

5:54pm
Anyone else remember the good old days when Robin Williams was funny?

5:57pm
Okay, Jack Nicholson as Bugs Bunny was funny. Hey, where is Jack? Isn't he always front and center?

5:58pm
THE INCREDIBLES! Best Animated Picture! YEAH! 3 for 3 so far!!!

6:00pm
Okay...maybe the floor chromakey thing is a little overdone.

6:01pm
Announcing from the audience? UNHEARD OF!!! They're mixing it up, foilks! Going where no Oscar has gone before! Make-up? Didn't pick it. Don't care. Hey, they're accepting from the audience, too! This is audacious! We're seeing history in the making!

6:03pm
Unless you have some overriding interest in the American Boys Choir (you sick fuck), now's the time for the first Official Oscar Food and Bathroom Break®. Run like hell!

6:06pm
That high-up camera angle is pretty damn impressive.

6:14pm
Worst gratuitous appearance by anyone on an Oscar telecast: Albert Brooks. WHY WASTE HIM ON THAT?

6:16pm
Edna from The Incredibles! YEAH! Now, you're talkin'!

6:19pm
YEAH! I'm sorry...I'm cleaning up! Best Costume Design: The Aviator! 4 for 4! Of course, you know this means they won't win any of the "big" ones.

6:22pm
Aw, shit. Blanchett is wonderful as Hepburn, but I really thought the Academy would go for Madsen. I'm disappointed. 4 for 5. Looks like The Aviator won a big one, huh?

6:29pm
Awww...Johnny. We miss you. We'll always miss you. I remember the years he hosted the show. It was comfortable. It was familiar. Even more than Bob Hope, he was the perfect host. Man...him and John Wayne. Wow. Very classy tribute.

6:30pm
Leonardo DiCaprio is all grows up. Even more so than in The Aviator, he finally seems like an adult and not just a teenager. Best Documentary: Born Into Brothels. Very cool. And that sure is a yellow dress. She's beautiful, in a real intelligent, Mensa sort of way. If you go for that sort of thing.

6:33pm
One hour and counting, but this seems to be really flying by. Or is it me? It's me, isn't it, sitting here typing. It's like talking to someone on a long car ride. It goes faster. But all the speeches are fast, too.

6:35pm
SONG #2! CHINESE FIRE DRILL!

6:36pm
Wait! Look at the lead singer's hair. Wonder if I could do that with mine?

6:44pm
Best Adapted Screenplay...oooo...Sideways. Didn't get that one. 4 for 6. Fading fast. Alexander Payne sounds like a morning drive-time DJ. Who woulda thunk? Maybe he can do the big-screen remake of WKRP In Cincinnatti?

6:46pm
Best Black Dress on an Asian Female: Ziyi Zhang!

6:48pm
Spidey 2 wins an Oscar. Best visual effects. Pretty empty up there in the cheap seats...when they cut to the Dykstra family.

6:49pm
Was that Mickey Rooney or Gollum? Precccccccciousssssss....

6:51pm
Morgan Freeman winking at the camera, holding his Oscar. Priceless.

6:52pm
Al Pacino...overly emotional or a little...tipsy? Discuss amongst yourselves.

6:53pm
Did Johnny Depp marry a Stepford Wife? Beautiful, but kinda...scary.

6:57pm
Sidney Lumet is a great choice for the Honorary Oscar. I just watched The Verdict a few weeks ago. It was wonderful. We can even forgive him for that awful Sharon Stone movie. Of course, he also made Fail Safe. And Serpico. And Dog Day Afternoon. And Network. And Murder On the Orient Express. Oh. And The Wiz. ATTICA! ATTICA!

6:59pm
Why are there so many empty seats on the cutaways? WHERE'S KRAMER WHEN WE REALLY NEED HIM?

7:00pm
IT IS GOLLUM! (I hope everyone is keeping a strong eye on their Oscars!)

7:02pm
54 entries. So why did I want to do this again? ANYONE?

7:04pm
Song #3: Go wash the dog.

7:11pm
The audience announcing stuff is weird. Although, Jeremy Irons is pretty damn funny. But the zooming into people in their seats is awkward, even when one of the nominees tries to be funny by pretending to be sleeping. GUESS WHAT DIPSHIT? YOU LOST.

7:13pm
BILL PLYMPTON! I know that guy! Comic-Con special guest 2004! He lost, but wow...I didn't even realize he was nominated. God...Laura Linney just standing behind that guy...thank you, Mr. Director for maintaining that 2-shot. Yes, I'm fawning.

7:14pm
I have to say that the direction on this show is pretty stellar. It almost seems edited with how quick they shift gears and go from one category to the next. It's really hopping. HA! Got another one! Best Cinematography: The Aviator. 5 for 7!

7:19pm
I'll have you know I did NOT do this to "pad my hit stats." If I wanted to do that, I would visit my site 300 times a day instead of 257. And I visit just to bask in the glow of my written-word genius, not for any such vulgar reasons. No, rather, I have a committment to the Arts. This is my way of furthering the cause of Oscar. Not enough people are watching. This will get them to watch, I'm sure. I know it will, because, you like me. You really, really like me. Each and every one of you.

7:21pm
Penelope Cruz AND Salma Hayek? HEY...WHERE ARE THE SUBTITLES? (Not that anyone would be reading them...)

7:25pm
Boy, I just GOT this now. But having all these nominees for the "lesser" awards on stage sure does cut down on the crawling over people and walking up to the stage, doesn't it? Pretty smart idea, actually.

7:26pm
Song #4...remember that caulking you wanted to do? Get crackin'!

7:30pm
Two hours and counting. Pour that water on me as I run by!

7:35pm
BLINK, NATALIE, BLINK!

7:37pm
Okay...this documentary guy is going to go FOREVER. Cue the music, Mr. Conti. And I have a feeling he won't stop.

7:38pm
Told you. He wasn't going to stop. Guy was a fucking train wreck waiting to happen.

7:39pm
Travolta looks awfully good, but what's the deal with Sam Jackson's Ray Charles look?

7:42pm
The Original Score winner's wife: wearing the intellectual glasses. Designed by Edna Mode. Available only in Chermany.

7:43pm
Humanitarian Award. Spackle that wall!

7:45pm
Okay, I'm convinced that the cutaway shots are of a special section that was built to hold just family members, who are trotted in and out as their respective nominees and special winners are on stage. At least I hope so.

7:46pm
Marty Scorsese is getting into that little old man mode where the glasses are bigger than the face. Sad but true.

7:48pm
Oh. The "I see dead people" part. Very sad. Wow, they lead with Reagan. They'll finish with Brando no doubt.

7:51pm
And they included Russ Meyer. Very cool. Very well done with the live music by Yo Yo Ma. Fade to black and bring on crass commercial announcement.

7:52pm
Isn't it a real sad statement on life that Led Zepplin is selling Cadillacs? ARE WE ALL THAT FUCKING OLD NOW?

7:55pm
ARE WE THERE YET?

7:57pm
Can someone please tell me why in God's name P Diddy or Puff Daddy or Puffy Combs or Sean Combs or whatever his name is today, is introducing a song? Did he produce the album or something? Who's next? Judge Judy?

7:58pm
Song #5: Last chance to repaint that ceiling!

8:00pm
Prince. As Groucho once said (about his Uncle Julius, for who he was named), "He was well over 5 feet."

8:01pm
Our long personal musical nightmare is over...Oh, God. This guy is singing. Hey, that was fast! Anyway, we have to hunker down and get it done now. Here we go. Best Actress.

8:05pm
Sean's a little testy. God, Annette Bening is gorgeous. Proof positive that women get better with age.
YEAH! HILARY SWANK and that great blue dress! 6 for 8!

8:07pm
"I'm just a girl from a trailer park who had a dream." AND she remembered her husband...who she's STILL married to. Amazing.

8:12pm
Home stretch. Best Foreign Film, Best Original Screenplay, Actor, Director, Picture.

8:13pm
Gwyneth! One of those puppies is going to pop out if you squeeze them in that tight.

8:16pm
SAM! Coolest man alive.

8:18pm
Best Original Screenplay: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. 7 for 9.

8:20pm
Is it possible that we've broken the 3-hour marker (meaning less than, not more)? Can this actually be a 3-hour show?

8:25pm
OOOO....Charlize! Best Actor...Jaime Foxx for Ray. Did you have any doubt? But it's really nice to see Don Cheadle nominated. He's one of my faves, ever since Picket Fences. Hey, I just realized, with the exception of Clint, they all played real people.

8:30pm
Three hours. Time check. Jamie Foxx's blue suit will go nicely with Hilary Swank's blue dress for those after-Oscar photo ops.

8:32pm
Okay, I will watch ANY TV show that has Sandra Oh in it. Gray's Anatomy on ABC. I'm there.

8:33pm
JULIA! Motherhood suits you. Best Director: Clint Eastwood. 9 for 11.

8:38pm
Dustin AND Babs! At least it's AFTER the movie came out, unlike Wilson and Stiller last year. Okay...Best Picture. Did Dustin have a little too much of the green room wine, I wonder? MILLION DOLLAR BABY! I'm 10 for 12! Where was the fucking Oscar Pool when I needed it?

8:40pm
When Clint is on stage, no one plays the music.

8:41pm
WOW! Is that it? 3 hours and 11 minutes? Is that a new record?

Thanks to all of you who stopped by. Thanks to my color commentators Shell and Chuck! Thanks to Typepad.com for sponsoring this event. Air travel for this blog was provided by Southwest. (We would have flown JetBlue, but they don't fly everywhere we go.) Special promotional consideration provided by Apple Computers.

Good-night! Drive safely!

Comments

[alex]

Billy Bush sounds more like the name of a cheap Porno than a real person. but then again he is not a real person. he is a Bush

[tommy]

mmmmmmmmm...Mensa.

[tomthedog]

I didn't want to check out your liveblogging (which I heard about via good ol' Fred Hembeck) until I had finished mine (I even did a separate entry for the pre-show). Now that I have (and now that I've gotten the blatant plugging out of the way) may I say what a fine job you've done. Doesn't hurt that we have a lot of the same thoughts (about Hilary Swank's dress, for example, or Billy Bush's offensive existence). See you for the Emmys!

[J. Ott]

Nive liveblogging.

Here's mine if you care to check it out:

http://www.grandviewdv.com/makingthemovie/2005/02/liveblogging-oscars.html

[Fred Hembeck]

Wow--what a night. Thanks for all the fun, Gary! Now I've gotta go figure out some clever stuff to write about this extravaganza that you haven't already posted!

Fred

[Batton Lash]

Gary-

You did good! Better than good . . . if it wasn't for your witty and (yes!) insightful observations, I would've felt like I wasted three hours. Thanks for a fun evening!

[Chuck]

Gary, this has been fun! Thanks for doing it. Make sure you get into the big money pools next year, you did great!

[Chuck]

And then the Blind Lemon Jefferson story.

[Shell]

Jamie will soon be seen in The Stevie Wonder Story.

[Shell]

Cedric the Entertainer is the Jude Law of adverts.

[Chuck]

Look at those giant golden women! They are as big as Sam Jackson! Damn!

[Shell]

Hate to quibble, but I am the coolest man alive.

[Shell]

It's Best Actress, dude ! What are you ? On glue ?

[Shell]

Sean Penn has cool hair, and reeks of self importance.

[Shell]

Sean Combs introducing Josh Groban ? Isn't that sort of like having an American Idol contestant introduce Pavarotti ?

[Shell]

Marty is channeling Irving "Swifty" Lazar.

[Shell]

Sam Jackson is sporting "shades" and looking "cooler than shee-it" because Jack Nicholson ain't there tonight.

[Shell]

Song # 4 gave me the opportunity to go out and get a burrito. And eat it.

[Chuck]

I told my wife not one hour ago that I would love to hear Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek read the phone book. And there they are! Sounds like a Mexican soap opera. My wife says Salma makes Penelope look like a boy.

[Shell]

Hottest babe of the night so far (8:24PM, Phoenix time), easily: Emmy Rossum.

[Chuck]

You wanted to do this to pad your hit stats, right?

[Chuck]

Yeah, baby! Scarlett is Scientific and Technical! Take that, Jennifer Garner! That girl can Googlewhack, too.

[Chuck]

Mark Evanier said in his blog that ABC had programming "pushing the envelope" (we're gonna be raunchy!) and just to be on the safe side, they had Standards & Practices "muzzle" Robin Williams and his scheduled song (we're gonna be responsible!). When really, Robin seemed to come out and do the same material he was supposed to be in trouble for. Nice obfuscation there.

[Chuck]

Robin Williams with a gag in his mouth? Priceless.

[Chuck]

Dude! Leave my personal life out of this!